On being a humble man:
As a man you are out of your place if you are too humble. Deep down in your core you should always feel like you are a bit better than others. If you don’t believe in yourself a woman will get weirded out because you are not being who you naturally are. You are in fact being weird.
You should always feel good about existing in the world. If you and you’re friend are hitting on the same girl and you don’t believe you will win, you’re not in harmony with your masculinity. Doesn’t mean that you have to be over the top cocky, but in the back of your mind you trust yourself to win.
On the other hand we are drawn to humble people because they are stripping away the layers and being themselves. So the solution would be a kind of humble narcissism or where you are not superior to others on the surface but deep down you trust your capabilities. This allows you to be quite free of self-image whilst you are still being a man.
Our perceived assumptions:
Our minds are incredibly wonderful bullshit machines. You interpret reality through your senses, store the memories to your mind and reform those memories again when you rethink about them. We make assumptions about the world so we can make sense of it, and the more sure we are about something the more attached to that assumption we become.
Default way of approaching the world: We stick to our existing beliefs unless we encounter evidence that is so inconsistent that it forces us to question it. Something that would shake up our concept of reality.
The most unwavering certainty = The least emotional reaction to conflicting views
I believe its possible to make ourselves believe in almost anything somewhat reasonable if we want to. We create our own reality through our own experiences. But we can reform these experiences by focusing on different things, and our memory is not perfect. Every time we go back to a memory we restore it in a new light.
Boosting the ego:
You want to have a high self-image because it affects your mental awareness. When you view yourself in a good light, you think better, talk better, you deal with situations better. You believe in yourself and the shit that you say, it has authority and punch to it and people will listen.
I believe you can tweak your thinking to be more positive and awesome, your brain is adaptable and will adjust to the stimulus that is exposed to. Big part of life is just a self fulfilling prophecy, so the more you can reinforce positive beliefs, the better chance you have of making them real. By dwelling on certain thoughts you will give them power.
You want to have a conscious focus on your thinking patterns. The ability to have greater control over our thoughts, without some kind of control you are just a drifter in your thoughts which are pulling you in to million directions. Most people have constant automatic negative thoughts (ANT).
Through mindfulness its possible to learn to quickly notice thinking and cut it. As you continuously cut your negative thinking and switch your focus to the positive you can end up slowly tipping your self-esteem and positive/negative biases. It is definitely not a fast cure and if you have a low self-esteem you have to start slowly, your mind will recognize bullshit so have patience. Constantly noticing your thought and staying as the watcher is a 24/7 effort, its not easy. Imagine your thoughts like a camera, it doesn’t see what it is not focused to.
When self-esteem is low we tend to be more motivated by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy. Negatives have more power over us than positives.
– Nathaniel Branden, The 6 pillars of self-esteem
We are closer to Pavlov’s dogs than we would ever like to think. Because the way our brains work is repetition breeds belief. We can start with a thought, a fact a scenario or vision and in our minds whether or not it starts from truth, the more we repeat it the more we believe it to be the absolute truth. Not a mental model but the model of the world. There is no other option.
The key to this process is to get your ego boost from the process in life, not from the comparison. If you are constantly comparing yourself, you are just a slave to your thinking. There’s no way anyone could win at this game, even if you get to the top in one area someone is better at some other area.
Stop placing people above you, from now on your idols are just peers that got there. Never look up to anyone for any reason because people in their core are no different from you. Be the dictator of your own reality. Get the good vibes from within, not from the external stimulation or praise. The responses from other people shouldn’t shake your self-concept. You want your identity to be positive but not too dense so its not wavering when it is challenged.
Develop mind-control skills for yourself and simultaneously take positive action in your life. Anything you experience, read, think about, can be viewed in an empowering frame, or a negative one.
All it is is just focusing on the positive attributes, everybody has something that they can focus on, zooming on your awesomeness. In our society which is constantly telling you that you are lacking in something this can be an uphill struggle.
To help yourself unplug from shit like advertisements and negative bullshit as much as you can. To make the process easier start living a life that you can respect. The more you live the life through your values the more reference points you have of living in a way that you value yourself.
For me this was a little bit easier because there were so much positive stuff that I could focus my mind to. Nevertheless even if you suck right now, you can develop your identity to the positive through taking positive action and focusing on that action. The root of our self-esteem is not in our achievements but in those daily practices that make it possible for us to achieve. Power lies in the source of wealth, not in the wealth it is in the cause, not in the effect.
Self-esteem creates a set of implicit expectations about what is possible and appropriate to us. These expectations tend to generate the actions that turn them into realities. And the realities confirm and strengthen the original beliefs. That is why self-esteem – high or low – tends to be a generator of self-fulfilling prophecies.
Stop believing every stupid thought you have, instead catch yourself when you’re doing good, praise your positive behavior. Focus on the success when your replaying, focus on the positive. You have your own perception of how you did.
We start looking for evidence to support out current beliefs. So if you can tip yourself to be positively biased in your thinking and self-esteem you are capable through conscious focus to enforce this map of reality further. From here on things are going to be more autopilot because you have developed the habits of being conscious and cutting negative thinking and replacing it quickly, it will be easier, more automatic and faster. All that will be left is the positive which is your new identity.
When you start to become better at this your identity goes more and more in to autopilot. You don’t have to think about it too much, you will naturally develop the the thoughts of awesomeness. You will be walking around with ease, automatically thinking how cool you are etc. The awesome thing is you will actually naturally want to do the things that you know are right things to do because it fits your new identity. You will develop a positive feedback loop which will help you achieve your dreams.
Eventually all the perceived bad things that happened were actually great because that’s what made you who you are today. Clearly there’s some things that were bad, but notice how you will automatically always reframe everything instantly. Remember that every time you recall something from your memory you also reframe it in your memory. Your memories will restore in a emotion that you are memorizing them. I’m sure this kinda thing can take a lot of stress and worry out of your life. And there’s definitely nothing wrong with liking yourself, life is pretty cool when all you need to think about is you and you start to instantly feel fulfilled and satisfied.
Problems of a inflated ego:
Maintaining massive self image takes a lot of focus. Being obsessed about yourself can kinda lead you to be so self focused and miss things. You’re not experiencing the world the same way. You’re missing the humble appreciation of life.
Also you might get confused if people don’t validate you constantly. When you value yourself the you might start a nasty habit of devaluing other people, you may want to start to put them down on their place. You will be constantly self-absorbed. You might get Over-cockiness and start to be defensive with honest feedback. You have the blind belief and comfort of thinking you know everything not the humble learners mindset and the insecurities associated with that.
The bigger your ego grow the more individualistic become. You will have more edginess to your character and be more judgmental toward other people. This kind of a coldness in you may start to alienate others since you don’t value them. You may even become a ruthless perfectionist who lacks empathy toward others.
At the same time it will be a kind of a cage where you are contained by your self image. You will try to manipulate the impressions you make on others, trying to feed your ego more and more. The girls you meet can see that you care, that you are not free, that you are not the party. Validation seeking comes off on a very deep level. You will be naturally goal and results oriented.
Ego and picking up girls:
The ego is always creeping on from the backdoor. There is enormous security in having a strong ego and you want to have the comfort of knowing where you stand in the mating world. This is how individuals seek to achieve physiological security. Hierarchically they need to know where they stand. They want the world to make sense.
The problem is when you are stuck in yourself you will be less spontaneous and carefree. I was often in clubs with a bit of stick up my ass, its hard to let go of ego. Easy to get too arrogant with girls and loose your innocence. Especially as the man who has a amazing blog about girls you can get sucked in to that role.
In order to be free in the bar you need to detach yourself from your own self image. You will never be able to evolve if you take yourself too seriously, just focus on expression. As long as getting the girl is your highest priority, she can not feel like she is winning with you. You’re not focused on the fun or enjoying life.
What got you here, wont necessarily got you there: I think there was a time and place for a little self absorption. What I have noticed recently is that I would often start to approach mainly to prove a point which means you are not at ease and carefree when you do it. Instead of trying to manage an impression of my awesomeness and trying to sell myself in some subtle way. In a way it is like a social mask, a role to play.
Narcissistic dickheads do get laid. Some dudes manage to pull it off very well. The difference is of course, for them its natural, its not like a band-aid. The more innocent style seems to suit me better when meeting the ladies. But you cant really be innocent with a massive ego. When I kind of tried to humble myself I actually enjoyed the clubs more, which led to me having more patience with the retardation of girls around me.
I kinda felt that managing the impression you give off is like a tightrope act all the way, I would say one stupid thing or things would not go perfectly and it would be done. Also it would get them defensive, when you are there to get a result, its just bad. I had to learn to become carefree.
She is more likely to have sex with a man because she can sense everything is good, relaxed. You have to love yourself while realizing that you are a bit of a joke and so is everybody else and everything in the world, just embrace it. You are allowed to fuck up and be self-forgetting toward yourself.
For a long time the biggest problem I had that I kinda got into this me versus the girl battle a lot of the time. I would get a lot of fast good reactions but hardly real results because it was almost if the girl were to sleep with me she would be yielding to me. It wasn’t win-win.
Things started to click back on place when I was a little bit more empathetic and humanistic. Not just trying to manipulate and cheat her out of something. There is a sort of friendly flirting in your eyes when you are in this state which is just money.
I constantly keep sliding to the try-hard mode, I am essentially a big try-hard when it comes to life. Instead of me being confrontational like I am gonna fuck you, it should be playfully confrontational, adding a little bit of personality to it.
You don’t have to become a killer to become a winner, you simply have to realize that killing is not the name of the game. Timothy Gallwey – The inner game of tennis
If you believe everybody likes you just for you, you have a warmth and energy and you are just awesome. If you’re just sincere and fun, she won’t ruin the fun. If you have an agenda then the girl instinctively rejects. When I’m on my game girls trust me because I’m not trying to take anything from them.
When you look at the world and see good in everything, the world looks back at us with the same attitude. People almost always act the way you expect them to act, if you just assume that you are welcomed and liked you usually are.
One thing I really like doing is staring a girl directly to her eyes when she is acting up showing her that she cannot move me, because I am are already what I am complete, with or without her. Its almost I am in such a disconnect on how well its going to go that the eye contact is just solid. She cannot hurt me because there is nothing to hurt. You kinda can not hurt that which is formless. Its just carefree innocence without ego dominating over it.
Follow the instincts that you were giving when you were born. Connect with that childhood boyishness where everything is interesting, you are not burdened by ego and girls are automatically a little bit below you and weird. Thinking “she is too hot, I’m too weird”, is not instinctual. Your instincts are to go for the goal without thinking too much. You have to feel competent to exist in the world. The world is what goes in your head. You should always feel capable and competent to be in it.
Some amazing last thoughts:
Ultimately what kinda freaked me out was that I could see warmness and openness in people that I wanted for myself as well. These people are not full of themselves or individualistic rather they are inviting and open. They are stage 5.
You can get good vibes out of being who you want to be, knowing that you are a good dude, that you have done the right thing in life.Challenge and purpose in life provide happiness. Inside you trust yourself, you don’t have constant self-doubts going on like normal people, rather its a healthy evaluating and refining on your life. You believe in yourself but not in an arrogant way, this connects with people and your core.
Let your values guide you through the journey. You can not avoid hard things because they will start to eat away on you. When you are pushing yourself in life, you will automatically encounter some harshness and that will feed in to your self-esteem and make you value yourself. If you think about it most of the character traits that you are most proud of probably came through adversity. It is about you making something out of your life, don’t get dependent. If we look to others to provide us with happiness or fulfillment or self-esteem we relinquish control over our life.
When you are not so individualistic and ruthless in your vision of the world, you will start to feel greater unity with everything around you.